At first I was terrified about this being the end and now I find I am just ready to be done. Ready for what’s next, ready for something else, and totally excited about the unknown. It’s been a wild ride, but taking this leap of faith turned out to be one of the best experiences ever. I am so grateful for it and look forward to calling it a wrap.
Forget what I said.
Forget time to heal.
Forget that you fought.
Forget there’s an ocean.
Forget there’s resistance.
Forget that you’re sad.
Forget that you miss him.
Forget he’s a bird.
Forget it’s making you crazy.
Forget about everything.
Forget about it all.
“Sandpaper kisses, papercut bliss”
I’ve been trying to look at what happened with him objectively. And I’ve come to the realization that I have to let it go. All of it. The anger, the hurt, the fear, the whatever. I just have to let it go. It is going to be hard, because there are moments like today where I miss him so much I feel like I can’t breathe. But all I know is that the stress is overwhelming and I need space and distance to heal. Space and distance without beating myself up wondering if I have lost him forever which is very hard. But it would be nice to have the freedom to just not worry about it for a while, you know? Sometimes we make things so much about the other person that we forget to take care of ourselves. I have the opportunity to be remarkably selfish right now and it’s time to take advantage of this.
Amazing what a good night’s sleep and a good meal can do for a person. Something as simple as having your basic human needs met can be truly transformative.
“The best feeling in the world is realizing that you’re perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.”
Today I found out that four students from Pau will be studying at Mills this semester and that the exchange program will continue on, which is great, I guess. I became really good friends with the exchange student who studied at Mills last spring, which I am grateful for because we are very close. But I know for sure I will not have a lot of energy to give out this next semester to anyone (terrible, I know…). Not to mention I am already burnt out from taking a winter course, which is not a good sign. And I am totally sick of talking to interested students about Pau in general. Pau is in the past.
Maybe I am just ready to put it all behind me because it was nothing more than a small part of grad life. Maybe I am just feeling a little bitter and scorned right now because a meaningful relationship from Pau has turned to shit. Maybe I am just looking to simply be reminded that “we will never get over Pau” and to stop dissing the experience based on anger and exhaustion. I guess the point is that it’s nice to see these programs carry on and healthy relationships continue to thrive. Good partnerships are key. But in all honesty, I am over it.
And what’s causing me to feel this way is mostly because I have no clue why I thought taking a negotiations class that I didn’t need would be such a fabulous idea. Its been ten days of learning how to perfect the argument, complete with a jumbo dose of discomfort. Add to that the amount of work it has entailed, which is definitely not for the weak. Typically I would just rise to the challenge but I have not had ONE ounce of downtime at all which is causing me to be very cranky and very stressed and just downright annoyed.
Right now is a dark time. I am not happy. Even my finger nails are polished black. I hope that I can snap out of whatever it is I am going through and soon. I hope that a I did not lose yet another friend. And I hope that I can get through these next few months unscathed. I hope, I hope…
I tend to think that when a person who is single makes a huge statement or proclamation about how fabulous it is being single it is to rationalize and/or debunk judgment. The truth is, being single sucks. Why is it so hard for people to admit this? I guess admitting to being in a bad marriage can also be hard, but I cannot speak to that as I am not married, but single. All I know is that no matter how many articles are written about the great and powerful single woman or how often people want you to believe that being “alone” is claiming your independence, and it’s fun and it’s great, which it is to a certain extent and I totally promote experiencing it. The reality is that after so many frickin years of being single it is nothing more than being lonely. And I hate it. And I am okay with admitting this. Publicly. Because being single sucks!