Author: citygirl44

Angel of Mine

Lately I’ve been thinking about this time last year when I was a crying, sad, miserable little mess because my heart was completely ripped apart. I made myself crazy-busy so that I wouldn’t have to feel all that I was feeling and did that ever backfire. So much has changed since then, but really it hasn’t because at times I am still that crying, sad, miserable little mess.

And for so long he’s heard me complain and be upset, “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, wahhhh I hate my life because I miss you.” And it’s true, I do miss him, alllll of the time. But it occurred to me recently that I have been so overly focused on what I was missing, I’ve failed to appreciate all that we actually share. More than that, what it is that I actually have; HIM!

Yes, there is distance and it gets me down and I cry and complain about it constantly. Yes, I allow negativity and insecurity get the best of me more than it should. And yes, we don’t always get along and we argue and we get mad and sometimes even hurt each other. But at the end of the day he’s here. He’s alive. I can talk to him when I want. I can tell him to his face that I miss him.

And it wasn’t that I received horrible news today, and it wasn’t reading through every, single, one of our 2000+ Facebook messages in a state of boredom and restlessness while working from home that made me realize all of this. It was realizing that I knew it all along. He’s the best homie-lover-friend anyone could ever ask for and this silly girl simply got lucky. He might be an ocean away, but holy shit, not for long. And for that, I am appreciative.

“I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him.” ― Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

 

Spring Breakin’

I’ve been on spring break this week (Yay!) which came at a great time considering school was starting to make my hair fall out. So I opted to work 40-hours vs. the usual 25 thinking how great it would be to make the extra money. But what an eye opening experience! I’ve made comments about how much I want to be a “stay at home mom” (eventually) or that I don’t want to go back to corporate culture, but working from home for this many hours, man! I am crawling out of my damn skin! I want a change of scenery, I want someone to talk to, I want interaction, I want intellectual stimulation, I want random! This strange isolation is not the business. Sure, you can roll out of bed and work in your underwear, but after a few days it gets boring.

I guess I am grateful all the same because I needed this break. I needed this time to decompress and a chance to realize that having a crazy schedule isn’t the worst thing in the world. It means that you have a life! And what’s so wrong about that?

Photo courtesy of pop
Photo courtesy of fanpop.com

 

Judgement

I hate when people pass judgement on me. It happens all of the time too and for various reasons. But today I found myself passing judgement and in retrospect it wasn’t very nice. The judgement was that the young women in my family – all they know how to do is procreate. Then I exclaimed how I want to see statistics on American women who have a college education vs. those who do not in correlation with what age they started having babies. (Which I actually looked up and can be found here.)

But who in the hell do I think I am and why should I care?

Because receiving email updates that I didn’t ask for which include nothing but pictures of kids sitting on a couch in a cookie-cutter suburban home is boring and uninteresting. And perhaps if I responded with a lengthy discussion on social issues and public policy and how the men in France are HOT, I too would be presumedly judged.

As humans, we can be so cruel. My life is better than yours because….

I am not against a woman having the right to choose. Go and do whatever you want and with pride and hell yeah! But I also cannot help the fact that I am turning my nose up at this. I cannot help the fact that I find it disappointing when women are presented with an opportunity to obtain a college education (we didn’t always have this option!) and do not take advantage of it. I guess I just had higher hopes for these girls. #judgement

Interestingly enough, the women in my family with a bachelor’s degree or higher, (myself included) do not have children and are not married. Hot damn. Statistics for this can be found here.

I think…

I think the worst is over. It’s been a hellish 8+ weeks for sure. But the only way it can continue to get worse is if I don’t work hard. So really, it’s up to me at this point. I have the support, I know what I need to do, it’s just a matter of getting it done. I can’t change the way these courses are taught. I can’t change the fact that these courses are required for graduation. And I can’t change my progress thus far. C’est la vie!

I know I have been complaining a lot…  

But I will say, I am very happy in my personal life. Things are going so well. I have just been hung up on the negativity because I do not like to feel bored and trapped. I am completely immersed in a situation that I can’t get out of right now and so yeah, I am bitching and moaning up a storm because I hate doing shit I don’t like! Who does?? Pout.. pout… pout…

But the reward that is waiting…

oh, it will be sweet…

…so very sweet.

It’s true, in a few months I won’t even give this a second thought…

It’s nice to have something to look forward to.