Her Own Two Feet

You find your inner nerd and she is awesome. You start to kick ass and it makes you wonder what took so long. But socially, things are a mess. The more successful you are, the lonelier you become. Friends and family seem to have no real idea what you are going through. You may have even lost a few friends along the way. Those that do understand and can relate, are going through it too, and sometimes you just need some space from it all. Decisions come with a lot of judgment and questions that you’ve become remarkably conditioned to answer which makes you not want to talk to anyone because constantly repeating yourself is boring. And those who can provide real comfort have moved on or just live really, really far away… You realize that this is just another part of the journey and you are grateful for it. You appreciate your life tremendously and will stop at nothing. But damn, clip the wings of a social butterfly and she forgets what it is like to stand on her own two feet.

Weird Times

“Am I feeling better? No, not really. No one seems to understand this so-called journey. I’m not connecting effectively with anyone. People keep thinking something happened to me simply because I am not as responsive, which is only because I am crazy, ridiculously busy, and just need to be focused. And my tolerance for bullshit, stupidity, and drama is at an all time low. I am trying to keep it together but I am about to lose my shit. In addition, I am so sick of being so fucking politically correct all of the time. I’ve come to the realization that someone is always going to be offended in this stupid, overprivileged, self-righteous country that we live in.”

“Sometimes you just need to have a big ‘ol dirty cry.”

I had a deep meltdown last night on my drive home. I was crying so hard and with such intensity that I felt dizzy. It all started while I was sitting in class daydreaming about nothing in particular when I was hit with the realization that, Wow, this is almost over. Freaked me out! I have totally complained about being bored in class and have counted down the days for a semester to be over and now I find I am gripping on to anything within reach regarding this experience. Needless to say, this snapped me back to reality. It was as if suddenly I needed to sit up and pay close attention to whatever it was the professor kept rambling on about and take serious note. And the weird thing was, I actually knew what she was talking about.

And well, I also realized that this is the first time in a very, very, very long time where I haven’t had any man drama in my life. No worrying, no wondering, no waiting, no questioning… It can be empowering but it is also kind of weird. It’s what I wanted so I shouldn’t question it. But this feeling of emptiness that I’ve been experiencing recently has a lot to do with the fact that I am indeed on my own. And that hurts a little. Sob, sob, sob…

“I’m am so intrigued, how do you balance it all?”

Ha, ha yeah, typical, always having a lot going on. I still do the marketing events which is basically getting paid to smile and talk to people while drinking cheap champagne for a few hours – you don’t have to use your brain at all, it’s awesome! They needed help through the fall so fuck it, why not? And sometimes my friend James works the events with me which means we cause trouble.

I also do a little bit of visual merchandising for a men’s line at two of the major department stores – again, brainless work but I may end up dropping it. The company that hired me to do the visual merchandising offered me a part time recruiter position at their corporate office which was totally unexpected. It’s seasonal so not permanent, which is perfect!

The timing of all of this just happened to be good and I needed to make money but without the commitment, if that makes any sense. But the reality is, all of these things are temporary and will be ending soon, so it eliminates the pressure which is such a switch from when I was working full time and in school. All of my classes are in the evening and so far I don’t feel stretched too thin but the last month of school is always the hardest, so we’ll see. I absolutely do not want to work during my final semester and I am trying to position myself to go back to work for real and that is a job within itself but school is the top priority, period, and that makes a big difference. I am also still on academic probation but I try not to allow the pressure of this to take over.

With that said, yes! I am still on track to graduate this spring which to be honest is hitting me hard because, Wow! Grad life is almost over! So I am appreciating every, single second of it which makes me love school even more and forces me to work hard. When you start to make the most of something it doesn’t feel as though you are giving away too much of yourself. You appreciate what used to be stressful. You start to find the time spent in the car during your commute as time to take a deep breath.

But to answer your question, I am able to balance it all because I don’t take on anything that doesn’t bring added value to my life and I make sure to take care of myself first. Even if that means saying NO to things all of the time, which isn’t always fun but whatever. It is essential to do what makes you feel productive and happy and energized, otherwise you become exhausted and miserable and what’s the point? I have learned this by making so many mistakes, particularly last spring when my hair started falling out again from doing too much shit that I hated and for all of the wrong reasons; reasons to make me forget about him, the fact that he was gone, and how I felt “stuck” in the U.S., which only backfired because once I had too much time on my hands over the summer I completely fell apart. So there’s been an emotional underlining to all of this too. Interestingly enough we have managed to remain very close even with so many changes and cities and countries and that’s what keeps me going. This entire experience with him motivates me in different ways but right now I don’t want to sit with the loneliness or think about this distance. Especially with the holidays coming (but my brother will be home this year and that will be awesome).

So perhaps this gives you a sense of why I really want to connect right now. Even if I am not sure if anything I am saying makes sense. Needless to say I am craving the bonding we would have simply from walking down to “the pink place”. I miss our chats.