Lately I’ve been thinking about this time last year when I was a crying, sad, miserable little mess because my heart was completely ripped apart. I made myself crazy-busy so that I wouldn’t have to feel all that I was feeling and did that ever backfire. So much has changed since then, but really it hasn’t because at times I am still that crying, sad, miserable little mess.
And for so long he’s heard me complain and be upset, “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, wahhhh I hate my life because I miss you.” And it’s true, I do miss him, alllll of the time. But it occurred to me recently that I have been so overly focused on what I was missing, I’ve failed to appreciate all that we actually share. More than that, what it is that I actually have; HIM!
Yes, there is distance and it gets me down and I cry and complain about it constantly. Yes, I allow negativity and insecurity get the best of me more than it should. And yes, we don’t always get along and we argue and we get mad and sometimes even hurt each other. But at the end of the day he’s here. He’s alive. I can talk to him when I want. I can tell him to his face that I miss him.
And it wasn’t that I received horrible news today, and it wasn’t reading through every, single, one of our 2000+ Facebook messages in a state of boredom and restlessness while working from home that made me realize all of this. It was realizing that I knew it all along. He’s the best homie-lover-friend anyone could ever ask for and this silly girl simply got lucky. He might be an ocean away, but holy shit, not for long. And for that, I am appreciative.
“I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him.” ― Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith