I was thinking about the bad mood I was in for most of last summer and how I was complaining to you about everything. Now that school has started I find I am much happier. Classes are going well. Life is relaxed. It is so nice! But socially, things are weird. Sometimes I am reminded that I am in school with people who are not only a lot younger in age, but younger in maturity. I experienced a lot of this over the last week and it has me confused. But it reminded me of this one day in Pau… I was in a car with three guys all under the age of 25 and it made me laugh! It was so much fun, yet at the same I couldn’t help but wonder what I was doing in this car?? The next day you and I had lunch together and it was the best time because I realized what I had been missing was adult conversation! And we had the greatest conversation that day. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am missing the adult conversations right now. I’ve noticed that I am growing out of lot. Which is awesome! But it also magnifies the bratty behavior of others. I am not sure if this makes any sense. But needless so say, when I think about great conversations, I think of you. I hope to have one again soon.
I’m really into Drake right now. He’s so hot!
It doesn’t matter how old you are, drama and cruelty are abound. I experienced two instances this week where someone thought they were being funny, when in reality they were being downright mean. And worse, demonstrating double-sided cruelty, which is where you are being made fun at the expense of another person. It’s really shitty. I am not sure why I am attracting this kind of behavior in my life right now. Perhaps if it were five years ago I would have indulged in it, so I think it’s great to see that I’ve outgrown being a “mean girl”. But I’ve found that my feelings are hurt. And I am feeling a great deal of compassion against those we deem as “losers” and “weirdos”. While I can’t change anybody’s behavior, I can at least be mindful of my own. What I will tolerate. What I will not tolerate. And most importantly, how I treat others. Even those I don’t even like very much.
“Anytime anybody is rude, it makes me double-check my own behavior to make sure I don’t do that to other people.” – Patricia Heaton
I read this at the exact moment a good friend was reminding me that I need to take care of myself first. And she is right. It has taken me forever to realize that I put someone else’s feelings and needs before my own. I have used the excuse that when you are in love that this is just what you do. But how much of yourself do you give away without getting what you truly want in return?
Never start an evening with going to “the oldest gay bar in California” and ending it with Fireball and roller skates. Sounds great in theory but here it is Monday and I still feel like I got run over by a truck. And I have the craziest, longest, wackiest bruise on my back, which is insane! I’m not even sure if it is from roller disco or drunken shenanigans? Maybe a little of both. All I know is that I woke up the next day with my dress in the hallway and my keys still in the door. Good times = hot mess. Cheers!
The past few days have been interesting. Being back in school, being back in touch with him, and having that weird experience at my old apartment building. All of this has jolted me upright. I came to a realization about many things but the biggest being about school and something hit me hard. These next eight months are going to fly by! This experience is going to be over before I know it and if I don’t enjoy it NOW, I will never have the chance to again.
I guess I am feeling a lot of appreciation right now. I mean, all summer I sat around thinking poor me, poor me, poor me and yes, poor me I was broke and stuck in the fog and missing someone with so much intensity that it made me feel insane. And I have certainly spent a lot of time and energy beforehand complaining and comparing and contemplating. But through it all I have learned a lot and find that I’m at a point where I am in love with grad life. As weird as it sounds, this semester has made me feel like I am “finally” in business school, which might not make sense to most, but all I know is it’s about time! And dare I admit that the algebra class from the summer helped me out tremendously? My gosh, what a difference. Who knew I would ever say such a thing? It’s funny when you realize the lessons.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this incredible opportunity and I am glad I found my way back to living in the present. These little moments that escape us so quickly, especially when we are distracted, are meant to be cherished. So many things have come and gone and changed over the last two years but for the most part, it has been awesome. If this is the road paving the way to the future then I can’t wait! But for now I’ll settle for today. Life is too short but grad life is even shorter.
“You can take back all the things you give but ya can’t take back the days you live.” – Too $hort
With the exception of last summer where I listened to Alicia Keys on repeat, each season I create a new playlist. Here’s the latest:
Pretty Hurts – Beyoncé
Angel of Mine – Monica
Family Reunion – Jill Scott
Fly – Nicki Minaj (feat. Rihanna)
Chandelier – Sia
Days – Late Night Alumni
Feel Your Love – Kim Sozzi
Feel This Moment – Pitbull (feat. Christina Aguilara)
Habits (Stay High) – Tove Love
Champagne Coast – Blood Orange
Expertease (Ready, Set, Go) – Jennifer Lopez
From Time - Drake (feat. Jhene Aiko)
West Coast – Lana Del Rey
Marchin On – OneRepublic
Elephant – Tame Impala
Fall In Love – Phantogram
Big Girls Cry – Sia
Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
Waves of Change (Kaskade Mix) – Samantha James