“If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.
No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.
For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.
So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.
Jump now into the space
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”
Someone once told me that with each new season you should write a new set of goals so I always do. And surprisingly, I follow this list,
usually without intention. But today I read the list I created for summer and I haven’t done shit. This summer has been a sucky, bunkass, depressing time. Fuck this summer!
With each new season comes a new experience. Going into fall I will have to say my goals are as follows:
1) Get enough sleep.
2) Drink plenty of water.
3) Do not leave the city with an empty tank of gas.
4) Do whatever it takes to be focused and disciplined. In other words, no distractions.
5) Stop being so hard on yourself and love yourself the way you love others.
All seems so basic, but trust me, life gets complicated. It is easy to forget to do what should feel so simple.
“Truth is, everybody will be feeling shitty at some point in their lives. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, and keep moving forward.” -Unknown
I am grieving the end of a relationship that means a great deal to me and it hurts so fucking bad. Even if it makes logical sense in my head, my heart is totally broken. It’s weird. The mornings seem to be the hardest. But interestingly enough I was going through some writing samples and found a piece from 2011. It was about an “ex” and after reading a few sentences it made me throw up. Like for real throw up. So despite what I am going through now, I have come a long way and I am grateful for that. I appreciate this pain because it is real. A piece of my heart is not just missing, it has died. And I am grieving that death. To have loved someone so much that a part of you feels dead when they are gone is oddly a gift. Even if it hurts so much it just compounds everything else; makes you hate your hair, makes you want to shop, makes you think everything sucks. It’s so stupid. But it’s love. And that’s life. And that’s just wonderful.
“So I placed my heart under lock and key. To take some time, and take care of me. But I turn around and you’re standing here.”
Facebook is interesting. It truly reconnects you to your past and makes you reflect; a platform to remind you of many things including your first heartbreak. The one that was gut-wrenching and devastating and completely changed who you were as a person. The one that made you think you would be alone forever because you didn’t believe in love anymore. And somehow 10 years go by and you look back and realize the person you were once closest to is someone you don’t even know anymore and probably wouldn’t even recognize on the street and you consider yourself ridiculously lucky that the life you are seeing while snooping around on that Facebook page isn’t the life you are leading today. It makes you feel good about the desperation you showed when you tried to force it to work yet they didn’t want you anymore and it makes you appreciate the fact that it took a really long time to recover from the rejection of it all. Never in a million years did I think I would be happy for the fucker or tremendously grateful for the pain he caused or the wisdom I gained from the experience. In other words, life really does go on. You do get over it and love, incredibly, mind-blowing, can’t be without each other, I love you forever, soulmate love, does come around again. Which makes you appreciate the shit even more.
“But there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begins.” -Mitch Albom
Someone said to me recently that taking time off from work to go to school is like taking a break. I haven’t stopped thinking about this statement since because is it really? And if it is truly a break, am I making the most of it? And why am I so exhausted? If you are on break, shouldn’t you be glowing and smiling and exhilarated (like how I was while I was in France) and not pale, miserable and falling asleep the moment you sit down?
I honestly do not know what it is about business school that knocks you so flat on your ass. I have worked a lot of hours over the years and nothing quite compares to this. I have never been more tired. The kind of tired where you come home and cry a little. The other day I was so tired I turned down a one way street into oncoming traffic. I have never done this before, ever. As a matter of fact, I have made fun of people who have. This definitely wasn’t funny. I was so tired I felt drunk.
And so here we are… I’ve officially reached that point again in the semester where I am wondering what I am doing; questioning everything, researching different business schools, feeling lonely, feeling unhappy, feeling restless and bored, anxious, and in desperate need of a break. It’s like clockwork. The meltdowns are timely and inevitable and I am sick of it.
I told my academic advisor that I want to pack it all up and move to Europe. Then I repeated that same sentence to two more people. So why am I not actually doing this? Why not make the most of this “break”? Here is what I am pondering at the moment; how can I keep my flat, stay in school, but leave the country for six months? Can’t a girl just have it all? There has to be a way to make this work. Or, why not just pack it all up and leave? I didn’t even want to return to the States in the first place. What am I holding on to? What the hell am I so afraid of?
What I am afraid of is that I won’t have an opportunity to do something like this again. I hate not knowing what I am doing. A lot of thoughts going through my head right now, that’s for sure. This is definitely an interesting time in my life. The thing is, I have been wanting this for so long. Business school, that is. And I worked hard to get here. But now that I am here; now that I am “in-it”, I am questioning it. Why do I always do this? I just do not know how to sit still. I am not the kind of person who can thrive on routine, which has gotten me into trouble and has caused a lot of drama, so I should know better. But why not constantly question what you are doing? It is not being unappreciative of the things that you have, it is simply making sure you don’t allow life to just pass you on by. I don’t want life to just pass me on by. I have enough regrets.
“Cuz everybody dies but not everybody lives.” – Drake