Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I am living in a dream. It’s as if any minute I am going to wake up and realize it was all in my head. But what makes my life so awesome right now is the fact that I am very much alive and awake. This makes me sob a little because never in a million years did I think I could ever be this happy. And today has been the best day! No wait, yesterday was the best day…. And that made today equally fabulous. Happy heart. Happy mind. Happy.
I didn’t make any plans this year for my birthday. The day is bittersweet and whenever I make a big deal out of celebrating, I wind up disappointed. But it ended up being the best time and a good moment of this was captured. Feeling a lot of gratitude this morning for my crazy little life and the fabulous people I have to share it with. It can only get better from here…
I had a deep meltdown last night on my drive home. I was crying so hard and with such intensity that I felt dizzy. It all started while I was sitting in class daydreaming about nothing in particular when I was hit with the realization that WOW this is almost over. Freaked me out! I have totally complained about being bored in class and have counted down the days for a semester to be over and now I find I am gripping on to anything within reach regarding this experience. Needless to say, this snapped me back to reality. It was as if suddenly I needed to sit up and pay close attention to whatever it was the professor kept rambling on about and take serious note. And the weird thing was, I actually knew what she was talking about.
And well, I also realized that this is the first time in a very, very, very long time where I haven’t had any man drama in my life. No worrying, no wondering, no waiting, no questioning… It can be empowering but it is also kind of weird. It’s what I wanted so I shouldn’t question it. But this feeling of emptiness that I’ve been experiencing recently has a lot to do with the fact that I am indeed on my own and that hurts a little. Sob, sob, sob…
“If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.
No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.
For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.
So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.
Jump now into the space
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”
I read this at the exact moment a good friend was reminding me that I need to take care of myself first. And she is right. It has taken me forever to realize that I put someone else’s feelings and needs before my own. I have used the excuse that when you are in love that this is just what you do. But how much of yourself do you give away without getting what you truly want in return?
Someone once told me that with each new season you should write a new set of goals so I always do. And surprisingly, I follow this list,
usually without intention. But today I read the list I created for summer and I haven’t done shit. This summer has been a sucky, bunkass, depressing time. Fuck this summer!
With each new season comes a new experience. Going into fall I will have to say my goals are as follows:
1) Get enough sleep.
2) Drink plenty of water.
3) Do not leave the city with an empty tank of gas.
4) Do whatever it takes to be focused and disciplined. In other words, no distractions.
5) Stop being so hard on yourself and love yourself the way you love others.
All seems so basic, but trust me, life gets complicated. It is easy to forget to do what should feel so simple.
“Truth is, everybody will be feeling shitty at some point in their lives. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, and keep moving forward.” -Unknown
I am grieving the end of a relationship that means a great deal to me and it hurts so fucking bad. Even if it makes logical sense in my head, my heart is totally broken. It’s weird. The mornings seem to be the hardest. But interestingly enough I was going through some writing samples and found a piece from 2011. It was about an “ex” and after reading a few sentences it made me throw up. Like for real throw up. So despite what I am going through now, I have come a long way and I am grateful for that. I appreciate this pain because it is real. A piece of my heart is not just missing, it has died. And I am grieving that death. To have loved someone so much that a part of you feels dead when they are gone is oddly a gift. Even if it hurts so much it just compounds everything else; makes you hate your hair, makes you want to shop, makes you think everything sucks. It’s so stupid. But it’s love. And that’s life. And that’s just wonderful.
“So I placed my heart under lock and key. To take some time, and take care of me. But I turn around and you’re standing here.”