Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I am living in a dream. It’s as if any minute I am going to wake up and realize it was all in my head. But what makes my life so awesome right now is the fact that I am very much alive and awake. This makes me sob a little because never in a million years did I think I could ever be this happy. And today has been the best day! No wait, yesterday was the best day…. And that made today equally fabulous. Happy heart. Happy mind. Happy.
I had a deep meltdown last night on my drive home. I was crying so hard and with such intensity that I felt dizzy. It all started while I was sitting in class daydreaming about nothing in particular when I was hit with the realization that WOW this is almost over. Freaked me out! I have totally complained about being bored in class and have counted down the days for a semester to be over and now I find I am gripping on to anything within reach regarding this experience. Needless to say, this snapped me back to reality. It was as if suddenly I needed to sit up and pay close attention to whatever it was the professor kept rambling on about and take serious note. And the weird thing was, I actually knew what she was talking about.
And well, I also realized that this is the first time in a very, very, very long time where I haven’t had any man drama in my life. No worrying, no wondering, no waiting, no questioning… It can be empowering but it is also kind of weird. It’s what I wanted so I shouldn’t question it. But this feeling of emptiness that I’ve been experiencing recently has a lot to do with the fact that I am indeed on my own and that hurts a little. Sob, sob, sob…
It’s easy to throw a heavy blanket of expectations and demands onto another person when you aren’t getting what you want. Most of the time it’s without intention as you may not even realize what you are expecting or demanding. But rest assured you can become so blinded by focusing on what you don’t have that you forget to appreciate all that you do. And what you have is a lot. You are given what you ask for and more, you are just too stubborn to see it.
Take for example the fact that some people are not in a position to give you what you want and it’s not their fault. They might just be at a different stage in life. A stage of life that makes it practically impossible to align with your own. And instead of respecting the differences, you allow your emotions to run wild which causes you to dump a lot of chaos directly on top of the very person who doesn’t deserve to be dumped on. For some reason you have been doing this since the day you met, causing disagreements and arguments and confusion and fits of rage and tears; giving the person plenty of reason to leave and run as far away from you as possible.
And yet, they don’t. They stick around. Because they truly love and care about you. But you are so damn afraid of losing them that you continue to act out which just pushes them away. Maybe it’s easier to push them away? Maybe you are so used to being fucked over that you assume everyone will play games, take you for granted, abuse your heart and all that you give. Those old wounds rear their ugly little head causing the insecurity and doubt to overshadow the beauty of what you share. You should consider yourself lucky.
And you are. You are like the luckiest woman alive. Because you have what you want. You have someone in your life who you shared something remarkable with. Someone who wasn’t easy getting to know. But once you were “in” it was better than anything you could have ever imagined. Yet you still push.
Maybe you can’t keep it simple, because that’s not who you are. And you aren’t being asked to change. But recognize what you have and how special it is. And leave it there.
“If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.
No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.
For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.
So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.
Jump now into the space
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”
It would be safe to say that I fell apart this summer. And I’m not sure I even have an answer as to why? There is no real reflection, no words to describe it, and no logical explanation other than my heart hurt. I was stuck in the fog and stuck in a fog. I had time on my hands to sit still with my thoughts which provided zero motivation or inspiration to do anything productive other than cry, write, and jump a lot of rope.
But now it is time for fall. And fall in San Francisco is when the fog lifts and the sun shows up. The weather gets warm and friends come out to play. You can wear a cute sleeveless dress and a pair of sandals with a cashmere scarf and dark lipstick. You can chill on the rooftop while eating fruit salad and drinking a vodka soda without a care or a jacket. The days get shorter and the air feels crisp. When the sun sets it leaves a trace of gold that lights up the sky and it so magical you can’t help but feel like you’re going to “fall” in love all over again. And maybe you do fall in love again. With yourself or with the city or with the same person you can’t stop dreaming about. Who knows? Everything just feels new again because it is.
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets their wings. Remember that the next time you feel alone.”
Toward the end of each semester I start to get reallllly bored of things being so serious. I just want to talk about The Real Housewives and boys and shopping and anything superficial. Well now I have found I am so sick of talking about love and relationships and connections and why why “why is he/she doing this wahhh!” Ugh! If I have to sit and analyze any more of this bullshit, I am going to go insane. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe boredom is the solution to moving on for real. Because now I find I can’t wait for intellectual stimulation which is a good place to be in right before school is about to start. Yes, please feed my brain, it is starving! Bombard me with HBR and CSR and NPR. Send me a subscription of The Economist and take away my Us Weekly! Sigh. Why is life so complicated?
I am grieving the end of a relationship that means a great deal to me and it hurts so fucking bad. Even if it makes logical sense in my head, my heart is totally broken. It’s weird. The mornings seem to be the hardest. But interestingly enough I was going through some writing samples and found a piece from 2011. It was about an “ex” and after reading a few sentences it made me throw up. Like for real throw up. So despite what I am going through now, I have come a long way and I am grateful for that. I appreciate this pain because it is real. A piece of my heart is not just missing, it has died. And I am grieving that death. To have loved someone so much that a part of you feels dead when they are gone is oddly a gift. Even if it hurts so much it just compounds everything else; makes you hate your hair, makes you want to shop, makes you think everything sucks. It’s so stupid. But it’s love. And that’s life. And that’s just wonderful.
“So I placed my heart under lock and key. To take some time, and take care of me. But I turn around and you’re standing here.”